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September 14th, 2005

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August 14th, 2005

07:38 pm - No subject Well, i've been doin ok since last time I wrote, I'm procrastinating the move like it's my job-I just don't want to do it anymore. I wish I could blink my eyes and I'd be all moved out of D tower and all settled into New Hampshire hall, that would be the best. However, I do have a good bulk of my stuff moved in my new dorm room and I have it set up pretty cool. It's not cluttered and I have way more space then I did last year-plus my own bathroom, so that part is awesome. I never really fully moved into D tower cause I knew I'd be moving out in 3 months, so I didn't bother unpacking everything or decorating...but I want to make this room look pretty cool. I have so much to do these days it seems. It's ok tho, I need to be busy...especially right now. Anything to keep my mind off Hunter...It's a weird feeling when all the hope you've had for someone for several months is shattered in a matter of a half an hour. I never felt completely single during this past summer because I kinda thought in the back of my head that something would eventually happen with him-so I wasn't interested in seeing or dating anyone else. As it turns out though, we're in completely different places and it's just not gonna happen. I thought about waiting around until he's "ready" but I realized I don't want to. It has nothing to to do with me thinking we wouldn't be great together, because we would be, but I shouldn't have to wait around, I don't think anyone should wait around for anyone. If the timing is right, then a relationship will be great, but if it's not-just get over it, don't sit around waiting or hoping for it to be right someday, because most of the time-the timing never really is right. Plus, when you're the one waiting around-you kind of hold yourself back and become resentful because of that...I don't want to put myself through that-It wouldn't be fair and I know I deserve better. Bottom line is, I'm not gonna hope someday he'll want to be with me, I'd rather be with someone who doesn't need months and months to realize he wants me. I'm still haunted with the thought that I'll never find someone nice that I have real feelings for, that has feelings for me in return. I sit and think about the girls & guys I know, who have broken up with someone they thought were perfect for them-and sometimes I think it's not the heartbreak that makes them so sad, but yet the overwhelming feelings of thinking they'll never find someone else better...and better for them. Then I start thinking about what my dentist said to me (never thought I'd say that...) about If he were my age, he'd really just want to have fun and not be "tied down" to anyone. A lot of people my age do feel that way-but then I think that if you're in a relationship with someone where you feel "tied down" is it really that great of a relationship? I don't think that just because you're in a relationship, a good and healthy one atleast, means you're "tied down". When things were good with Joel-I never felt tied down. If anything I felt like I could do and experience new things because I had a friend who had my back no matter what, and would be right there next to me. I'm actually very interested in reading comments from anyone who reads this to what being tied down means? Is it that you just can't mess around with someone else because it would be cheating? Or is it because you're with someone who limits you, from who you hang out with, what you do on the weekend, etc...and if it's the second one, feeling limited to not being to do what you really want to do, is the person you're with worth the limitations on your life? Personally, I don't think anyone is. I think if you feel limited, you need to get out. Because if you are with someone you really love, you're not gonna want to throw that away to have random excursions with other people that don't mean as much to you and therefore you won't feel tied down in that sense-the only way you're going to feel tied down is if you're with someone who doesn't agree or understand you when it comes to certain things which will in turn prevent you from doing something you want to do just for the sake of not arguing or fighting. But, that's just how I feel...I would love to read another's point of view... But yeah going back to what my dentist said, about just wanting to have fun...fun to me is not having the freedom to hook up with whoever I want to. I'd rather have someone, a friend, who cares about me and is there for me, to be with, hang out with, party with, experience something new with. That's fun to me...way better then getting drunk, sleeping with someone random, regretting it the next morning, feeling like a whore, going home and feeling lonely, wishing that I had someone to call me and say goodnight and that I had someone who I knew would always be there for me...Yeah you have those kinds of things with your friends, if you have good friends you should never feel like you have to handle anything on your own that you're not able to, but it's different when you're with someone I guess. All I know is that I don't want something serious, but I do want something. It's not that I mind being single or that I need to be with someone, but if I were to choose between a serious relationship, a casual relationship or singlehood right now-I'd pick a casual relationship. So other then that, I've been reading a lot about astrology and how to do birth chart readings, compatibility readings & personal horoscopes and I actually tried my own-did all the math and everything and I was very interested in what I saw. I'm not gonna write about it right now tho, I will eventually, I just want to wait and see if I was accurate or not. Ok I've procrastinated enough, I've got to get going...I feel so much better though. Current Mood: curious Current Music: In my place-Coldplay

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July 30th, 2005

02:50 pm - So like...what do you do up there? Figured I'd write about the summer and since so many people wonder what the hell I'm up to up here in New Hampshire, here's your answer... It's been an interesting summer to say the very least. There have been times where I hated it and then there were times when I would catch myself thinking "This is the greatest summer ever..." So yeah, it's been quite a roller coaster. I haven't really been home a lot, like I thought I would be. I would travel back and forth a lot in the very beginning of the summer-whether home to NY, Staten Island or down to Jersey. Somewhere in the midst of all my boredom, I found myself enjoying it up here. Session 2 made me realize how much I missed having a rommate. When I've got the apartment to myself, it's rather boring-and lonely at times. Yeah I have my privacy-but it was nice having a rommate during session 2 that I could just chill with. We were on the same schedule...sleeping all morning and most of the afternoon and staying up all night, partying and hanging out with everyone. My apartment kinda became a crash house, and although it required a lot of extra cleaning-it was cool having people drop by each day. It took me a while to "get out" and meet everyone that was here for the summer-but once I did it was awesome always having somewhere to go and someone to hang out with. When session 2 checked in, I didn't really know anyone...by the time they left, I knew just about all of them. Now that it's over, I definately miss it. I miss my Drew, my roommate Kat & honorary roommate Kahlie-the 3 of us kinda became a family. Patrtied together, cooked together, cleaned together, and even if we were just chillin inside not doin much, it still managed to be a good time. They also helped me through some tough times & vise versa. Even if there were 9 people in the apartment, the 3 of us would lock ourselves in one of the rooms and have sort of a pep talk...not for very long but we were definately there for eachother & we'd remind eachother of that atleast once a day. And as for Drew-I miss that bundle of hyper energy...We'd watch Dane Cook & listen to Mitch Hedberg, or watch crazy things on the internet, go for rides to McDonalds & late night runs to Mr Mikes...and when I turned 21, he joined me in my first purchase of alcohol at the liquor store. Not that I take things for granted, but now that he's not here anymore-I keep thinking I wanna go upstairs to his place and chill aaaand he's not there. Thheeennn there's Hunter...wasn't living up here for the summer but it was like he was a part of it all anyway, because he's visited quite a few times to hang out and party with everyone this past summer. He's definately the perfect addition to everything. To me, he's that person you just want to have around, because he's so much fun to hang out with. When he wasn't here, everything was fun & interesting, but in the back of my head I'd be wishing he was around because he makes it that much better. Definately love that guy-he's my best friend and he makes me feel like I won the lottery. Also spent a weekend in Londonderry-with Pat, Hunter, Irish & his new girlfriend, Mallory. It felt like it was forever since the last time all of us hung out together. It was awesome though, we partied, went to the mall, and had a good time whether is was driving around looking for ping pong balls that looked like basketballs, almost getting into a bad accident but Pat saved us, hanging out in the gazebo, swimming in the pool, talking to Pat's Parrot, pizza hut ("I'm only jipping her 3 bucks"), etc...I definately miss that group but they'll all be in Keene in the fall so they won't be too far away. Finally, I'm job searching. Applied everywhere in Keene yesterday-but haven't heard anything yet. I need to start saving because if by Decemer I have enough, I'm putting a down payment on a car. My intrepid is breaking up with me...recently discovered that I need a new tierod or something. It's something having to do with the axel & the whole steering of the car...gonna cost way much more then I really want to invest. It's just getting old-and if I still have it through the winter-it'll be the 3rd vicious winter that it'll have to survive. I just don't see that happening...and if I'm gonna have to keep spending hundreds of dollars to fix it-I'd rather spend hundreds of dollars each month on a car that I can depend on, and feel safe driving. So we'll see though, the manager at Pizza Hut in Keene was very enthusiastic with me & I think I will probably be hired there. I wouldn't mind it...it's not the best job, but it's a job no less & I already know how to wait on tables and the like...As my mom ALWAYS used to say-if you know how to be a good waitress, you'll always have a job. Granted, I kinda wished those days were over but I'll suck it up and do it. It'll be easier to get through if I know the harder I work, the closer it'll bring me to driving a nice car that won't give me a headache by breaking down all the time. So that's the summer in a nutshell...and there's only a month of it left... Current Mood: determined Current Music: Hook-Blues Traveler

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July 9th, 2005

08:05 pm - 21... Well, after a long nights drinking, a bad hangover, a huge mess to clean up & a broken futon later...here I am. I am finally the age I have been looking forward to-not that I'm a big drinker, or that I haven't drank before...but still, it's pretty cool. Had a great party last night with some great company. Thanks to everyone who was there to celebrate with me, you made my night...and for those who couldn't make it, you were very missed :) Well, I'm not gonna lie, this is going to be a challenging year for me. I've dug myself into another hole & the day before my birthday I realized that I needed to get out, before it's really too late. I was more or less "confronted" by 2 people I expected it from least-you guys know who you are, thanks so much for caring and being there. It still amazes me how quickly & closely I've connected with certain people and even more it amazes me how much I'm cared about by people I never would have imagined. I miss talking to Forrest-I kinda fell apart after our last session and just when I thought I was doing so well, I find myself in this fucking hole again. I hate it here, and worst of all I hate how I let myself fall back here again. I hate talking about it which is what usually gets me into the most trouble. Anyhow, It's only been a day, but I'm already doing better. I know it's gonna take time, but don't worry about me. This time it's for real. That's it for now... Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: the crickets outside

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July 1st, 2005

03:24 am - The "I'm ready" phase So, had an interesting conversation with the roommate today that sparked this particular update...We talked about being single, and how we feel about it. Truth is, there's the part where I love the certain freedom you have that being in a relationship takes away-but then I wonder if that feeling is better then having someone and "belonging" to someone. I don't know if I like being single, or if I am just fooling myself into believing I like being single because that's what I am. On one hand, I can do whatever I want, if an opportunity arises, I could take it...I have no obligation to call someone every night, I don't have to worry about "meeting the parents", I can hang out with my friends all night every night, there is no one with the power to potentially break my heart...it's a "safe" life. A life where you're not attached, you can flirt with whoever you want and not feel guilty, you're not settled and therefore, are usually "out" or doing something with someone. If someone comes to me at 2 in the morning wanting to go somewhere-I can go and not even have to think twice about it. I am not referred to as meghan and so and so...it's just me, by myself, single...Sometimes I think it's wonderful, and other times it feels miserable. On the other hand, there's the part that misses being in a relationship. Envying those happy couples around me and thinking "why can't I have that"? Going through the day feeling lonely at least once. Picking up the phone wishing I had someone to call, and someone who can't wait to talk to me. For those nights I just want to relax and watch a movie, wishing I had someone to curl up and watch it with. Having someone I could always go to, and tell everything to. Giving someone the power to break my heart, but trusting that they won't. Having someone to share everything with, laugh & cry with and experience new things with. Having someone's hand to hold walking down the street and someone's arms to fall into after a bad day. It's a toss up for me. I can't decide right now which one I'd rather and I really was going somewhere with this...but I decided I didn't want to think about it anymore. Anyways-after recently being told to count my blessings-the summer has been pretty awesome. Started off kinda shaky, but it's been wicked chill. The work isn't hard & the people are great. Definately not a drag as I anticipated it would be. Birthday is in a week-turning 21-should be a good time. Been talking to Dad more...I've talked to him more in the last few months then I have in the last several years combined. The weather has been kinda crazy but I've got a pretty good tan. Also lost a few more pounds just from being active and not confined to my room cause it's "too cold outside". Ok I am suddenly tired...goodnight. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Santa Monica-Everclear

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June 18th, 2005

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June 15th, 2005

10:03 pm - Get away from me Seriously, this repetitive dream is starting to get on my nerves, cause when I wake up-reality has never hit me so hard in the face. It's really like waking up in the worst mood-cause I'm so happy in this dream that I keep having, then I wake up automatically disappointed. The worst thing is, I know EXACTLY why I'm having this dream. When I'm asleep, I can't do the very thing that I do so much when I'm awake-deny...It's not even like coming to terms with it would make everything better-I deny because it's how I cope with things completely out of my control. And this particular thing...completely out of my control. So my choices are, to sit around and be miserable about it, maybe even cry or complain to a friend, and just feel sorry for myself...OR pretend like it doesn't bother me and pretend like it's not even on my mind-when it's usually one of the ultimate things on my mind. I really hate it, and I don't understand it. I wish we could help the way we felt. I wish we could love someone else exactly the way they love you-whether it be a lot or a little. That way-you never have to worry about loving someone a lot that only loves you a little bit...or a better example-you never have to worry about being in love with someone who only loves you as a friend. Not that being in love with someone is a lot and loving someone as a friend is a little-I guess they're different types...whatever, I don't know where I was going with that-but it would be cool if something like that was in our control for a change. I've never had such a dream over and over again-I've had dreams that have been somewhat similar because all of my dreams have the same kind of structure-but this is like exactly the same dream every other night....same people, same place, same feeling when I wake up in the morning...it's turning into a nightmare. And I know exactly what it means, but I don't know how to remedy the situation while I'm awake so that I don't have this dream when I go to sleep... I don't even think any sort of advice would help me either...it would proabably just infuriate me... Ok a little random, but a cure for boredom if nothing else: THREE NICKNAMES NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Megs 2. Grace 3. Bullard THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. merghan708 2. luv2laf477 3. citrusweet17 THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. my brown eyes 2. my ears-lol weird one I know 3. my height THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. the gray tooth 2. my waist 3. my thighs THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Irish 2. german 3. swedish THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. losing a friend 2. being alone in the dark 3. heights THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. laughing 2. cigarattes 3. hanging out with or talking to someone THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. oireachtas hoodie 2. sparkly sandals 3. class ring THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: 1. Dave Matthews 2. Goo Goo Dolls 3. Oasis THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS: 1. Mistakes we knew we were making-Straylight run 2. Vindicated-Dashboard Confessional 3. One week-Barenaked ladies THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP/SIGNIFICANT OTHER: 1. Friendship 2. Someone creative 3. Trust TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): 1. I've never met my real father 2. I am a controlling, jealous, selfish & overdramatic girlfriend 3. I will be there for you, even at 4 in the morning THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX/ES THAT APPEAL TO YOU 1. someone taller then me-which is never hard for me to find ;) 2. a contagious smile 3. and of course a nice ass THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES: 1. drawing 2. taking pictures 3. irish dancing:) THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Walk down the stairs and see my friends in the staff office 2. run around in the rain...in flip flops...down a decent size hill, laughing :) (miss u!) 3. Kiss him THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED: 1. Animation 2. Irish dance teacher 3. Graphic Design THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Hawaii 2. Australia 3. Ireland THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE: 1. Mackenzie 2. Tristen 3. Rylie THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. see the auroraborealis 2. have my own puppy 3. live in the city THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY: 1. My usual morning routine lasts 20 minutes 2. I like to run around and play sports 3. I am laid back and easy to get along with while avoiding drama/gossip THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK: 1. I wear makeup-on occasion 2. I like to feel independent-but I like to be taken care of as well 3. I cry during the sad parts of movies THREE CELEB CRUSHES: 1. Chandler 2. Ross 3. Joey Ok, that was fun...and I can't think of anything else to write Current Mood: tired Current Music: Santeria

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June 4th, 2005

02:09 am - She's my soul sister When I heard the news-a horrible chill crept through my body, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and within 5 minutes, there was a terrential downpour of tears...I wish I could be where you are now, with you-reminding you everyday of how much you mean to me-please don't leave...too many lives will never be the same. I love you soo much... It's been emotional...really emotional. One minute I'm fine and the next minute I'm trying not to think about what I would have done. It's hard being away from the comforts of home-my mom wants me to come home but I know that this is what I need to do as well. It's not that I want to break away-I just want to learn how to grow up a little, on my own. I miss NY so much but I know I'd regret it if I didn't stay up here in NH this summer. It's really not that bad-it's nice having that independent feeling. Anyways...got the next week off so I might be heading home for a few days to celebrate my nana's birthday-and then I'm heading south to Pennsylvania to visit LYNSEY! It's gonna be awesome-I miss her so much. This place is not the same without my friends-it's no longer an adventure, it's just a place where I live. Ok, I don't have much else to write about. So...I'll write more some other time. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: You shook me all night long-ACDC

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June 1st, 2005

03:46 am - Lately Well, things are definately looking up...everyone for summer sessions checked in yesterday so it's no longer lonely up here & I was happily surprised about a certain few that are here for the month that I didn't know were coming. Had a BLAST last night hangin out with my new roommate Laurie, Drew from upstairs, Jess from my freshman year and a bunch of other people throughout the night. Haven't laughed that hard in a while. Saw Doylicious today & spent a few hours with him, Kahlie, & Tommy which was awesome as well. Also had a good heart to heart conversation with Pat-and he promises to visit me before Sunday night-but even if he doesn't as long as he gets his ass up here sometime I will be happy :) I miss Dancing more and more each day-wish I was home for the Irish Fest in East Durham-even if not to dance, just to be in that atmosphere again. That was one weekend of every year I could count on to be a good one-I don't think I ever had less then a great time every year at the festival. O well...I'd say maybe next year-but who knows where I'll be then. I'm all over the place these days. I think I've completely exhuasted myself by not bein able to sit still-or stay in one place for a certain amount of time. It's so weird, as soon as I get somewhere, I'm ready to leave. I can't explain it-it's not that I'm bored, or not enjoying the company of who I'm with...I'm just so used to packing it all up and moving somewhere so I have this strange mindset that tells me not to get settled cause once I do, I'll be moving again. As soon as I find my comfort zone, something happens and next thing I know, I'm in an unfamiliar place trying to find it again. Anyhow, I really don't have that much to write about, I'm just trying to keep myself awake so that I can fold the little bit of laundry I decided to do at 2 in the morning. Today is June 1st-2 days short of an anniversary I used to celebrate for 4 years. I don't understand how I was so young and seriously involved with someone for such a long time. I obviously didn't think I was young back then but damn...I was in a relationship since I was 13 years old until I was 17...It makes me think of the dancers I used to teach when I was about 12 and they were 5, and how I would carry them around on my hip, or babysit them-and now they're 13 and I'm 20...and I can't imagine them even thinking about being in a serious relatioship because a huge part of me still sees them as being SO young-and they're the same age as I was when I first started going out with Joel. It's weird when I think back on it... Such a wonderful & horrible 4 years. I know if it were now & I were to meet Joel tomorrow-I'd never go out with him...maybe he'd be a friend but who knows...yet looking back, I can't believe I loved someone so much when I was that young. I don't exactly know why I'm thinking about it now...maybe it's just something to write about. It's also sad that I don't even talk to someone I shared everything with for 4 years-it's not like I want to, there are reasons why it is the way it is but still...when you love someone a lot, where does that love go? How can it just disappear or go away? Maybe it wasn't even love-a part of me says I was too young to be "in love" but then another part of me doesn't want to deny how I used to feel just because I don't feel that way anymore. I dunno...it's not like I'm dwelled on it-this is probably the first time I've really thought about it in a few years...and it's only because I'm just trying to find random stuff to write about so I don't decide to lay down for a "few minutes" and then next thing I know it's the afternoon and my laundry is on the laundry room floor-and the lady at the post office sent my mail back home to NY. Speaking of which-I really do miss NY...or the way it used to be. I guess I force myself to move on so fast that I never really get over certain things, I just distract myself from them so that I don't think about it. Ok, staring at the computer screen is making me tired-plus it's time to start folding. Here's to staying up all night, once again... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Sunrise highway-Straylight Run

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May 28th, 2005

10:06 pm - Last Week Decided to take a trip down memory lane yesterday and watch all of my old Irish Dance videos. I honestly had the best time watching them because I started remembering a lot of different things and memories I had with those I were close to at that time. A little part of me was sad that it all seemed over-all the shows, festivals, school dances, barbeques, etc...but I guess I'm more reminiscent then I am nostalgic. I know it wouldn't be the same anymore & a big part of me has moved on from it but there's still that little part of me that's like "it sucks that it had to end" but at the same time, some of my best memories come from something that has to do with Irish Dancing. We all looked so little in the videos-and I even picked up on some of the mistakes we made and remember Michael making fun of us for it. I noticed when Shannon threw me her headband in the middle of a dance, when we messed up the beginning of our finale & I could hear some of the parents laughing, all the times we've bumped into eachother or managed to hold conversation during a dance with eachother...and the one dance we did where the older girls had to lift the younger girls-how we practiced it over and over but the first time we got it right was during our performance. Everything from Michael never shutting up on the microphone, the times we would go the wrong way or notice someone else going the wrong way so we'd shove their back in the right direction...it was really fun to watch. It's nice to look through an old photo album, or watch an old video, or read letters people have wrote to me...For everyone who was once close to me but we haven't spoken for years-I have probably thought about you and "remembered when..." Life moves on though... So my week was pretty eventful. Went down to Staten Island to see Russo & Sarah. We went out every night pretty much & I met most of Russo's friends-all of which are so nice. I had no problem meeting & talking to people-even flirting ridiculously with the bartender was easy for me. Don't know why, maybe I've come out of my shell quite a bit in the past year. Tuesday night was rough however-I kicked my own ass pretty much. For some reason I wanted it to happen, I felt like I deserved to spend a night in the bathroom. I need to learn to stop coming down so hard on myself. I just get so mad when I know how something is all along but I doubt my instincts & then have something blow up in my face that I probably could have prevented if I'd for once think with my head instead of my heart. I'll do anything or make up every excuse I can think of to try to convince myself to think or feel the complete opposite. I even make other excuses for other people-I give them the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't because I'll convince myself that they really aren't walking all over me, or using me, or treating me like shit...when that's exactly what they're doing. I guess I have a hard time coming to terms with certain things & looking at how something really is if it's hard for me to deal with at that moment in time but I'm so tired of it. I don't want to fall for stupid shit anymore-I know I'm a smart person & I'm usually always right about certain things-when something happens it never really takes me by surprise, it usually leaves me thinking "dammit, I knew that was gonna happen..." Oh well-I hope I break out of it, I'm really not that naive, I just pretend to be. So thankful for Sarah & Russo though-and everyone else that took care of me on tuesday night. I really don't think I'm going to hurt myself anymore-I finally realized that I don't deserve it. Yeah sometimes I doubt myself, but that's only because I understand that other people make mistakes too and even if their intentions are good, they can still leave someone else hurt. Maybe I come down so hard on myself because I definately don't when it comes time to other people-I dunno, it's confusing, More often then not I'm an optimistic person and while I definately don't want to be a pessimist-maybe being realistic about things would leave me much happier. I think when it comes down to it all, I really am realistic-but I force myself to be optimistic. That also goes back to me feeling like I should be the cheerful voice in the crowd when everyone else thinks their world is turning upside down. Anyways, found out this guy had a crush on me this week. Russo tried to set us up but I really wasn't interested. It had nothing to do with him or the type of person he was-I am just tired of it all. The whole dating scene, relationships, etc...I need to stop letting people hurt me. It's just so easy to do-I always find myself thinking "this time it's different..." and it hasn't been different yet. There goes that fucking optimism again...anyways she tried telling me she'd never seen him act that way before, or never be able to stop talking about a girl like he was about me, but I wasn't falling for it. I feel like I've seen and heard it all before. I trust her a lot-but I've been down that road. Gave someone the time of day when I barely knew them & it's never worked out nor will it ever. I know this-and I'm so tired of getting in over my head and having faith in someone that ineveitably lets me down. It's not like I'm clingy or needy...I don't need or want a stupid fairy tale love story-just someone I can talk to and have a good time with. I'd pick an honest, loyal, considerate friend over flowers and jewelry in a heartbeat. I've never been a demanding girlfriend-like needing to hang out everyday or talk on the phone whenever it's not possible to spend time with a boyfriend. If anything-I would want us to both have lives of our own-not completely separate lives-just not lives revolving around eachother but instead lives that make time for the other person. Anyhow-I pretended like it was nothing and it was fine. Why should I open up to someone so easily and give them a chance to hurt me-especially someone I don't even know. Besides, my luck, I'd think he was a genuinely nice guy and think "this time it's different" and next time I'd see him he'd be back together with his ex girlfriend or something. I need to smarten up. It's not that I want to close off...but sometimes having hope really just kicks your ass. Wow, I sound cynical. I really don't mean to be. I don't know what I am...maybe somewhat bitter. I let people in too easily though & I'm never really met in the middle-I put forth so much effort when I care about someone or want something to work. I don't even know why. I know when it happens-it'll just come naturally. I dunno-I say I don't need or want anyone but then when I see something like Sarah & her new boyfriend Rob hugging eachother for about 10 minutes straight while saying goodbye I am left thinking "that must feel nice"... Ok I'm tired of writing... Current Mood: determined Current Music: Vindicated-Dashboard Confessional

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May 18th, 2005

05:01 pm - Something Fun... Saw this thing on the internet today during my procrastiation adventures and decided to write about it. Look at any one of your playlists and write down a thought that comes to mind for every song, so here it goes... 1.) I actually don't know the name of this one-it's a mix of Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Wonderwall & Dream On: Me & Alex listening to it and glancing at eachother with the biggest smile & sayin "this is awesome" 2.) Could you be loved: Sarah Blake & our many car rides together talking about guys, relationships & saying many ridiculous that would make us both laugh hysterically 3.) New workout plan: "Rage in the Cage" 4.) Out Loud: Tom, Sarah & Pat because we are all obsessed with that song so much that we text message it to eachother all the time 5.) Under the Bridge: Sarah Coughtry & our trips to Hershey Park with the guyz 6.) Runaway Train: my awkward, insecure & confusing adolescence 7.) Mr. Lonely: Initially I think of Derick because he used to say that song was to me from him...but then I think about bustin it out with Sarah in the car-or constantly playing it on Pat's computer 8.) Feels like Home: Lynsey & Sarah & our first bonding session on the way to Keene hospital in the early early hours of the morning...& the twins of course, hehe 9.) Sugar Magnolia: Definately Hunter...and just riding in the car with him having a good conversation-or listening to him play Guitar in his room 10.) We didn't start the Fire: Irish laughing 11.) King of the Dancehall: Pat 12.) Semi-charmed Life: Playing pool with Bridget 13.) Leaving on a Jet Plan: Hershey Park 2000 14.) I like That: Parties @ Andy's! 15.) Don't look back in Anger: Being alone in my room in NY 16.) Satellite: The East Durham Festival-and the crazy weekend with everyone each year Ok since I've put off unpacking for a ridiculous amount of time-I'm going to get crackin on that now. I'll write more later. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Swallowed-Bush

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May 10th, 2005

06:58 pm - Almost done!!! Wow, had some crazy times at dinner with Sarah tonight. Kinda weird knowing that it really was just gonna be us two-no chance of anyone we're friends with coming down to eat with us cause well...they're all gone. Pat & Alex left today, and yeah it sucked saying goodbye to them too. They're going to Keene next year though-so I know I'll be seeing them. I have plans to see everyone atleast once-if not way more then once lol. But yeah anyway-the semester started off with just me and Sarah cause we knew eachother from last year being in reality check together & everything...and summer training we were always sitting together, having butt breaks and bumping the vball back & forth-then we both made different friends and the same friends all the while staying good friends with eachother and now it's like it was in the beginning of the year-just us two. This year has definately been an unexpected adventure. Did the RCR for room 310 (Hunter & Irish's) room & I had noticed that my initials were next to Hunter's signature meaning I checked him in. Don't remember it at all, that whole day was such a blur checking people in, meeting new people & carrying massive loads of belongings to different rooms...but I know back then I never even considered that I'd be friends with him, I don't remember meeting him on move in day at all. Then there's now & there's been so much time spent together, so many good talks for hours on end & plans to really keep in touch now that we don't go to school together no less live in the same building together. Goes back to that whole idea of "never would have imagined it when we first said hello..." He went from a resident of my building that I checked in, to a resident I knew better then most, to a guy I'd randomly run into outside having a cigararette, to a person I liked to talk to, to a friend I liked hang out with, and had so much in common with, to one of my best friends. Had my last appointment with Forrest today & it was a good one. I showed him my book because he expressed interest in it last week & since he has guided me so much in the past 3 months, I wanted him to see it. He was very appreciative that I showed him & shared a lot of personal stuff with him since we've been meeting together. He definately played a huge factor in helping me realize my strengths, let go of my struggles & to trust people again. It helped having him to talk to before I could call the people in my life my friends. He made my break up with Derick so much easier-One week I was all confused as to what to do and the next week I was single...and from then on it was smooth sailing. There was maybe but one occurence, when I ran into him at the trailers and his ignoring me sent me into a whirlwind of sadness-and Forrest helped me get through that very easily. I think I could have done it without him, but it really helped having someone to talk to about a lot of personal thoughts. I think if I had done it without him, the "getting over him" phase would have lasted a lot longer. My Friends were my real strength during that time. If I had nothing else but a few true friends, that is all I would need...well except for food and shelter and stuff...But yeah, he helped me put my feelings about my real father to rest (for now anyway) as well as made me realize that the adolescent memories I would rather forget are important to remember. Basically taking the "bad" in my life and teaching me to use it for the "good" in my life. Received confirmation today that I can definately go to NJ on saturday and come back up wednesday to begin training with chuck before I start to do Duty on my own. So happy about that-I can't wait to hang out with Hunter & Irish again-they've only been gone a few weeks and it feels like so much longer. When you go from hanging out with someone EVERY night to not seeing them for a few weeks-it's weird. It's annoying that I can't just walk upstairs and see them...it's bearable and everything-like I can still manage to have a good time...but I love & miss those boys so much...and when something cool happens it's like "I really wish they were here for this". Oh so yeah going back to my crazy dinner with Sarah-apparently my self denial amuses her. She had a hard time understanding where I was coming from-so we illustrated a venn diagram together. What started off as an intention to be "educational" ended up being hilarious. I love it when you decide to do something random and it ends up being something you'll remember for a long time. It's the fucking little things dammit! ;) Ok anyways-I think that's enough for right now-I'll write more later! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Out of My Head-Fastball

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May 8th, 2005

10:20 am - Would I have done it differently? Well...there went another night of not sleeping...I'm throwing myself way off schedule every time I do that but oh well... Went on duty last night until 2 am, talked to Hunter on the phone for quite some time, got off the phone and attempted to fall asleep and when that didn't work, took a trip to Mr Mikes for a wrap and some coffee & then worked on my final book design project. I am so happy that I am done with the pages-reflection included-and alls I need to do now is bind it and design the cover. I've been saving the cover for last, cause I think I'll have the most fun with that. The pages are really cool though, I am proud of myself. The whole thing is a mix between portfolio work, quotes, song lyrics, and pictures of my friends. I did all of my own illustrations and took my own pictures and mixed it all with my favorite song lyrics & random quotes I've come up with in the past year. It doesn't reflect just the good times this past year-it reflects my own personal struggles as well...I did that because I think it's really important that people remember when they were once at rock bottom so they can appreciate overcoming it. I want for whoever I show it to, to really understand what I went through this year. It's a really personal book, and I definately took some risks knowing that I would show it to my professor but it's all handmade and filled with months worth of effort. It's almost kind of like a journal-it's something completely different from anything I've ever done which is cool cause I got to experiment with a totally different style... Anyhow...one more week left & I am out of this room! I'm very excited about moving into a tower so that I can have more space to breathe. These rooms are so small-I don't know how I ever survived living with a roommate in one of these cement boxes. I feel like I'm in a dungeon most of the time...but it's definately lived in and a place I have called home for the past 8 months. I miss Lynsey, I have barely talked to her & this past week completely sucked not having her here. I hate her ex boyfriend for that. I hope she is doing well, I know she must be busy but since she's been gone-it's almost like my other half is missing lol. Everytime I walk by her door-I always get the urge to knock but then I remember she's not there. Force of habit I guess...same as going to 310 to cure personal boredom. It's true that you never know what you have until it's gone...but it's even more true that you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives. Anyhow...Lyns if you're reading this-I hope you're doing well...I miss & love you SO much...keep in touch girly! Well, I think I'm going to attempt to bind the book now...we'll see how it goes. It could either go very smoothly or be one of those things that annoy the hell out of me. I'll write more when there's more to write. Current Mood: awake Current Music: This is the time-Billy Joel

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May 4th, 2005

10:54 pm - Oh FPC... Semester is so closed to being over I can taste it. At first I didn't want it to be over but almost everyone I didn't want to have to say goodbye to are gone already, so I kind of feel like the better part of the worst part is over...Still gonna miss a select few people & the year in general, but I'm definately ready for summer and hopefully some peacefulness that'll come with it. Working as an RA in the towers this summer so it'll be cool to have my own apartment and not have to pay for it. My room is so damn messy mostly because I have so much crap, and the fact that none of it is put away. Tried looking for a CD tonight & realized that everywhere I looked, I had to look underneath something else...and I would attempt to clean it tonight, but I know exactly what will happen. I'll just organize the piles into organized piles & then get tired of organizing; thus throwing everything back where it was and passing out. I think I'll give it a good try tomorrow afternoon-but we'll see. If all else fails, it'll be my weekend project. Only have one final time and that is on Sunday-besides that I have to work in res life collecting keys next Friday for 2 hours with Kam & Sarah...and that's all that's on my agenda from now until the time I go home on the 15th. I'll probably go home for a few days-get my teeth fixed-my hair cut and then who knows-maybe a road trip down to the island to see what Russo's been up to before I gotta come back up to school and start working. I'm hoping for a relaxing summer, working on some photography and hitting the roads to visit the friends I'm going to miss terribly. Talked to Forrest last Tuesday about rituals and consistency and stuff like that. Pretty much all this semester I've talked about never feeling connected with other people, never feeling like I had true friends while everyone else around me did & always losing the few friends I had made. The people in my life have been so inconsistent so it's hard for me to have faith that I'll keep the friends I've made up here since I've always drifted or been "phased out" in the past. I've been burned by relationships-but I've been even more burned by lost friendships. Anyhow...I love those random "lets do something" moments with people but I also love the consistency of having lunch with Lynsey every MWF at 12:15, butt breaks with the NH staff crew after meetings, Dinner every TuTh with Sarah, Lynsey & whoever else is down there, visiting Kam, Lyns & Tom while on duty, cruises with the guys late at night, etc...It's comforting I guess. It brings a feeling of belonging to me which is also something I've struggled with. It seems like all my life I've always felt somewhat "out of place" and therefore uncomfortable and insecure. This year has been great at making all of those things go away which is why I'll probably miss it so much. I feel like I've overcome a lot, I just hope it's not temporary. I'm trying to have hope but it's about something I've lost hope in a long time ago. I couldn't even have one father in my life-I had to have 3. When you can't even count on the same parents all your life-it's stressful. I like to go out and try different things, but I like to have those few things that always remain the same...maybe that's why I always get a Tuna sandwich at the caf-to fill that void...lol Anyways-Forrest thinks I've grown quite a bit. Before I'd refer to the people in my life as co workers or "friends for now" and now the words "good friend" flow out of my mouth so naturally that I don't even think twice about it. Who knows what the future brings, who knows if the people I consider to be friends now will still be considered friends of mine a year from now (I really hope so) instead of "people I used to be close to"...but for now, since I'm done thinking about the future and shit-they're the people I love, the people who have saved me from myself this year. As much shit thats gone down and the many harsh things people have done or said to me-I'm still my own worst enemy. I don't think anyone is capable of hating me as much as I used to hate myself. Well, what else is there to write about. There's so much more actually but I find myself censoring this thing for a few reasons-the fact that some things shouldn't be communicated through a live journal and the fact that I don't really know exactly who reads this, so I hold back a little. If I ever write something about someone in here, it usually means I've told them how I felt beforehand-I don't want someone to know how I feel about them through this before they hear it from me directly. I like writing in this but the last thing I want to do is cause Drama-of any kind. Or for someone to know I care about them-only because they read my live journal. So I guess that's it for right now-but I know I'll be writing more later. Current Mood: content Current Music: All around the world-Chili peppers

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May 2nd, 2005

03:26 pm - Soo drained... I can't wait for this damn semester to be over. I'm so tired of having everything I have to do on my mind all the time, I just want to relax... Got back from the darkroom a few minutes ago. It was alright, I was extremely rushed so my pictures didn't come out so great, but as of right now, I am not worrying about it. I keep stressing myself out because I never let myself settle for something that is "ok" or mediocre-I always wanna do the absolute best I can-which can be a good thing except for when I'm always trying to do more then what's asked of me in like 5 different things. Anyhow...the last roll of film I took are of all my friends-2 of which aren't here anymore so it kinda sucked cause it got me thinking about them and wanting to hang out with them when I was finished-and they aren't here... My weekend was pretty awesome though, went to NY & then to NJ to see Hunter. There were a lot of people each night & I wish I would have been more sociable instead of keeping to myself most of the time. I don't know why I close off around large groups of people I don't know, it's weird. I never seem to have any issues talking to be people except for when it's a large group of people-all of who know eachother but don't know me. I guess I've always kind of struggled with that. I'm better then I used to be though-I used to have a hard time talking to people in general or let anyone get close to me at all... I'm excited for summer to get here and I wonder how it's going to be. I know I want to keep in touch with my friends & we've all agreed that we're definately going to keep in touch-so we'll see if it actually happens or not. I'm tired of constantly making new friends and then losing them-I'd love for just once to say I've been good friends with someone more then a year or I made a friend when we were "running in the same circle" and kept that friend after we were separated. In the past it's always been great making new friends but I always get that creepy feeling that even though we have to say goodbye for now...it really is never going to be the same & we'll both move on from it. When the girls & I went to Lillys-I definately knew in the back of my head that it was probably the last time we were all gonna sit down at a dinner table together and all be close friends...yeah I'll see them again & I'm sure we'll stay friends-but will it be different a year from now if we were to have dinner again? Would we be as close with eachother or will it be weird or different? I guess I am so used to having a person in my life that was once my best friend to only become "someone I once knew"...I hate drifing from people I'm close to. Wow, sorry for tha Tangent... Anyhow-I have to get going but I'll write more later... Current Mood: blank Current Music: Slide-Goo goo dolls

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04:39 am - The weekend & such I was going to write an entry about the weekend and stuff but then I looked at the clock and realized that it is 4:45 am so nevermind... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Satellite-DMB

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April 29th, 2005

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April 27th, 2005

04:08 pm - Momentarily in a good mood Well...week is almost over-2 more days til I'm on the road to NJ:) Went to the B.R.O auction yesterday and me and Kam went toe to toe to raise money for Pat-that was pretty fun actually. Pat and I made a deal that how ever many times he could bump the volleyball back and forth with me in the courtyard was how much I'd bid for him at the auction. I was outside playing with the volleyball for a good hour or so...when I was supposed to be cleaning my room of course. Oh well...I needed that, it took my mind off a few things because my mind has been jam packed with a whole mess of stuff. Going to Lillys tomorrow with the girls for a "farewell" dinner-I envision even more tears...the rest of this semester is rough. Feels like it crept up on me; either that or I've been in denial that this year was going to end sometime. Any which way-this year was better then I ever could have imagined. Yeah it had its downfalls-but the good times more then made up for it. Anyways-that's about it for right now. I'll write more later Current Mood: blah Current Music: Leaving on a Jet Plane

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April 26th, 2005

03:24 pm - Rough stuff Where to begin... Said goodbye to Hunter yesterday-and it really really sucked. It felt like I was in denial from the time I found out he was leaving to the time he left...but when he drove away it hit me like a ton of bricks. He left a note in my fridge and when I read it after he left-I just started feeling a mix of things. Sad that he left, glad that I got to know him & spend time with him, hope that we keep in touch, happy that he felt about me the way I do about him, mad that whenever I get close to someone that something happens for us to seperate, etc...It hasn't even been 24 hours and it's been really difficult. Can't stop thinking about him & wishing he was still here. It blows me away that I came into this semester not really having any friends & leaving this semester never wanting to lose the friends I've made. The people I've met this semester are the people I've been waiting to meet...those who you can be yourself around and those who you can hang out with doing whatever (if anything) & still have the best memories from. Anyways, we're going down to NJ this weekend to see Hunter which is probably the one thing that's going to get me through this week. It's really not the same without him...not even close. Well, for right now that's what's on my mind. Actually there's a lot more but I can't write about it just yet. I will when I can... Current Mood: okay Current Music: All of my love-Led Zep

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